I have had some time to reflect on the year. While it has been the very best, rewarding, and heart-filling year ever, it has also been the most difficult. I have struggled, cried, made mistakes, and worried. Sometimes I had to learn to be "mom" first, and "OT" second. There are a few things that I wish I knew (or truly understood/believed) about having your first baby.
1. You are not a perfect human being, and that is OK. I occasionally felt like a bad mom or a failure, because I opted for the "easy" way, needed a break, or made a mistake. Just remember, that you are your biggest judge. I try my best [most] days, but there are days that I need to do what is best for my own sanity. For example, I will let Ansley watch Sesame Street if it means that I can get something accomplished while Elmo entertains her. I have let housework go (and go and go). I have also accidentally left diapers on a little too long, forgot to breastfeed every 2-3 hours, fell asleep while holding the baby, ran out of diapers, and even dropped a phone on my newborn. On a couple of occasions, Ansley was inconsolable and I was at my wits end. I had to leave her alone in her crib crying I took some deep breaths in my own room. For the first 4 months of Ansley's life, she slept in her Mamaroo, because she struggled to sleep in her crib due to reflux. The mommy and occupational therapist in me was embarrassed and frustrated.
Don't make my "mistake" of thinking these simple accidents or choices make you a bad mom. All you need to do is love your child, and show them that day in and day out. Treat them like a person, not a belonging. The health of your child and YOU is most important, which includes your mental and emotional well-being! Your housework can always wait until tomorrow. You will never be a perfect human being, but you sure as heck can be the perfect mom or dad for your child.
2. Every child's development is different. Do not spend time comparing your child to everyone else's or fretting too much over the age norms for developmental milestones. Ansley consistently hit developmental norms on time, and I really only know this because I am familiar with these norms as an OT. However, I had a number of mommy friends ask for my opinion or advice regarding their child that they felt was "behind". These well-meaning mommies usually knew of a child that had already achieved a particular milestone. 99% of the time, their child was also typically developing, and merely learning skills at his/her own rate. My own irrational fears regarding development likely stem from working with children that have various special needs. For example, I worried that my daughter was tongue tied or would have speech difficulties due to trouble latching as a newborn. At one year, Ansley is saying 30+ words, and her language is actually further ahead than her motor-based skills! She showed me :).
3. Breastfeeding can be incredibly hard. The majority of my tears cried this past year, were in the first month and related entirely to breastfeeding. My sweet Ansley Jane had difficulty latching and our pediatrician was concerned about her weight. I was forced to supplement with formula that she took from a small cup or syringe, and eventually a special needs feeder (bottle). In the meantime, I spent a great deal of time pumping and storing my milk, as well as dealing with two rounds of mastitis (breast infection). Mastitis was not only incredibly painful, but Ansley could not get milk from the breast. After almost two month, we both finally got the hang of breastfeeding, but I was VERY close to giving up. I do not blame those that do give up. I also completely understand why some parents prefer to use formula from the start. Breastfeeding can be so frustrating, painful, time-consuming, and heartbreaking. Do what works best for you and your family!
4. Ask for help. These three simple words are so difficult for me to actually carryout. A little help went a long way this past year by making me feel less anxious about my to-do list and helping to lift my spirits!
5. Get out of the house a couple of times a week. If you have a significant other, family member, or babysitter available, take advantage of it from time to time. Go shopping, have a girls' or guys' night, pamper yourself, work part-time, exercise, or even head out of town on a mini-vacation! After having a little "break", I usually feel like a whole new person, with the strength and energy to take on the week (or at least the next couple of days).
6. Put away your phone. While you are playing and interacting with your baby, try to put your various devices away. For one, it takes your attention away from your child. Also, it quickly teaches your baby that your smart phone or tablet is the coolest "toy" in the room. Babies and toddlers do not need screen time. Guilty, but I am trying...
7. Take plenty of videos and pictures. Ignore the people that advise you not to "watch your child grow through a camera lens". That won't happen. I also doubt you will regret having snapped too many pictures of your child. What is more likely, is that you will wish you took more. Most days, I did not take a single picture of Ansley. I really regret this. I wish I would have documented more of Ansley's first year, especially using videos. I cherish the few videos I have and am always amazed by how much she has changed and developed in such a short period of time.
8. Everyone has an opinion, but you usually know best. Don't get me wrong, another person's recommendations and experiences can be very valuable. However, I have felt attacked a number of times throughout pregnancy and Ansley's first year when my beliefs or decisions were challenged. One thing is for sure, your loving family and friends truly have your best interest and will not hesitate to gift you with their "expert knowledge". Unfortunately, these individuals can also be misinformed about the latest research, the needs of your child, your preferred parenting style, etc. You live and care for your child 24/7 and know him/her better than anyone. Do your own research. Make informed decisions with your spouse. Don't let others make you feel small or guilty about decisions you have made in the best interest of your child (and family).
I am beyond excited for this coming year. I cannot wait for more adventures with Ansley Jane and to watch her grow. Of course, I plan to grow and learn as I go along as well.
Peace Love and OT
Kaylie Stearns- Pediatric OT and Mommy
Sensational Steps Therapy, Inc.
